Saturday, August 6, 2011

Melancholy Calling

I will be turning 30 in 10 weeks. Well, in 74 days to be precise.Whether a coincidence or not, I've been reflecting on the last 10 years and how I got to where I am.

I think, in part, this reflection has come as I'm crazily aware how fast life is passing me by. I can't believe my baby is 16 months and that, in fact, she is more a little girl than a pink,chubby babe. I feel since her birth, the days and weeks have torpedoed past. I just don't know where the time has gone. I can't believe I left Australia 6 years ago! 8 years since I was strolling the halls of the Arts Department at Griffith University!

What would the 20 year old me think about the 30 year old me? Am I where I 'wanted' to be? Have my goals and desires changed? 

When I was 20 I was in my second year of University. I was in a dead end and very unhealthy relationship (one that I stayed in, stupidly, another 4 years.) I was living with friends on the Gold Coast; dreaming of travel, imagining an 'escape,' not appreciating the opportunities that lay ahead (opportunities available purely because my 'life' was truly just starting.) Hindsight is a marvellous thing.

So, looking back (as the list maker I am) what have I accomplished in that time?
I spontaneously booked a trip to Europe; 5 weeks travelling with a girlfriend. 
I graduated University. 
I listened to that internal voice that was getting increasingly more urgent! "This is not IT. Leave. Go back to London." 
I booked a one-way ticket and found my feet in a city I will always hold dear to my heart, a city I'll always feel at home in. 
I took *somewhat* steps to improve my health and self-esteem, in short I lost 20kgs. 
I ended THAT relationship, 5 years late, but I did it. 
I met the man of my dreams- a cliché but the truth. 
I married the man of my dreams and started a family, a love I could never fathom. 

... and being that I am a glass half empty kinda gal, what have I not accomplished I think I should have?
I do not, nor am even close to, owning a home. This is probably the one I am finding most difficult to accept, I want the best for Avalon, I wish for her what I had as a child.
We have not 'put down roots'-- not by house, area or country.
My career is not where I hoped it would be. In fact, let's me real. I have a job, not a career.
I have not been to Nepal. My Mother and I had made a pact that we would travel to Nepal for my 30th birthday. Nope.
I have put on 7kgs to that 20kgs I had worked so hard to loose and thus, affirming, that some demons are still alive and well.

So, where do I find myself? My family is so important to me and just to have Grant and Avalon in my life is so fulfilling. Avalon is my greatest accomplishment, followed by being in a respectful and loving partnership. I am proud of my tertiary education and travel and GRATEFUL that I had the opportunities I had. This is a self indulgent reflection. I realise I am lucky to have the things I have.

Life cannot be planned to a T. I get that. I have my goals and dreams for the next 10 years and will do all I can to achieve those. All in all, I feel pretty darn blessed.

‎"Do not spoil what you have by desiring what you have not; but remember that what you now have was once among the things you only hoped for." -Epicurus-

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